If you have read my first post then you may know that I wasn't the model teenager. I made a lot of really bad choices. I was rebellious, stubborn and sexually active at an early age. My poor parents were at their wits ends with me and mom has told me before that as much as she prayed she usually felt like her prayers didn't get passed the ceiling. Even now when she brings it up I cringe. I don't want to think about that time in my life. I am very remorseful and embarrassed and I almost feel like she enjoys bringing it up. I guess I deserve it. I did put her and my father through a lot of unnecessary grief and pain. But, that was twenty years ago and I would like to move on.
Moving on though, man that is difficult when your child is hammering down on you with the same attitude that you once gave your parents. My oldest son, the one that was probably more affected by his father's actions than the rest of us, is making me pay for my raising. If karma is real then I am feeling it. Here is the problem with this though; as much as I deserve it, I do not want my child going through what I went though. I understand that what I went through at that age and what he is going through now are totally different, but hurt is hurt. Anger is anger. The common denominator for us both is that this hurt and anger have been handed down to us by the same man. My fault though, for choosing him to be the father of my children.
When everything first went down, I had to tell my son what his dad had done with his best friend's mother. If I could have gotten away with him not knowing, then I would have kept it under wraps. Not to help my ex-husband out but to protect my child's heart. The problem was that his best friend watched my ex go pick her mom up (and take her little sister with them). He picked her up from her house, with her husband and her kids there to witness. How sad for that family. I am at least thankful that my kids weren't witness to that. I can't imagine seeing your mom jump into a vehicle with another man and leave your family behind for him, someone who is willing to do the same thing to his family. Truth be told, both of them had been caught having numerous affairs so they deserved each other. Misery loves company. But our families deserved love and affection. They deserved integrity and trust. Having to deliver this news to my child before his friend would tell him was hard. I sat him on the bed and let him know what was going on. His dad had been very distant in the past couple of months and I think all of us knew something was going on, we just didn't know what, so a revelation wasn't a shock. But a revelation like this, especially for a child who looked up to and trusted their dad, who knew nothing of his father's passed indiscretions was like watching water turn from a flowing liquid to ice, hard and cold. I wish now that I could go back and figure out some way not to have to share this information with him. Seeing him turn from a confused but loving child to a hard and angry young man in the matter of seconds was.... I can't even think of a word. Difficult is not enough to describe what it was. If you could take every negative emotion and cram it into one word, then that's what it was. I saw an innocent young boy, full of joy and trust and a love for Christ all of the sudden lose his innocence, lose his joy, become distrustful of everyone and get mad at God in a heartbeat. And doing this while also becoming a teenager and having to deal with normal teenage things. This battle still rages within him. Being full of anger, hate and distrust. For a long time he wouldn't speak to his dad and so guess who all of this emotion was directed to? Yep, it was directed to me. And at first I let it go in understanding. I felt sorry for him so I would allow his outbursts, but eventually, when it started feeling like I was taking an emotional beating from his dad again, I had to try and stop it. Letting him act like his father is not an option for me. Oddly enough, as angry as he is with his father, he is a lot like him, which makes being his mother very difficult. I was able to severe the relationship with my ex except for the tie that binds us (our children). I can't do that with my oldest child. I am his mom. So figuring out how to try and keep him from becoming his father is really my mission. My ex husband always hated his dad for what he was put through growing up. Ironically the same thing he hated his father for is what my son now hates him for. So my ex became his father. A chip off the old block. Stopping the cycle is what I must figure out how to do for my child. I don't want him becoming that same man. I need God to intervene and keep this from happening.
On another note, I don't want to discount my younger son. He obviously was hurt, too. He has never had the same relationship with his father that my oldest had though. My younger son had always been closer to me and that started from birth. He has also had a more care-free spirit and been able to forgive easier. Not that he doesn't have some issues trusting, but not anything like his brother. He doesn't trust his dad but he was able to forgive him sooner and because of that, he hasn't grown a bitter heart. I love both of my boys. I don't know what I would do without them in my life, but my life has been made a bit easier because of my younger sons love and forgiveness of his father. At first, I felt betrayed by this. I wanted them to be just as angry at him as I was. That is a selfish wish, and I knew it then just as much as I know it now. It was a knee jerk reaction though and I knew I wanted them to forgive. I wanted to forgive. I didn't want to carry around that anger and hatred anymore than I wanted them to. So I have two teenage boys that are like day and night, at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. One that has decided that he can hold his dad accountable but still forgive him and love him yet move one and be happy, and the other who carries around bitterness and anger yet won't confront his dad and hold him accountable for feeling this way. Instead I get to see the angry outbursts, the temper tantrums and I get to be treated like the one that did the wrong. It really is like being with his father all over except obviously the relationship is different since he is my child. Funny how sometimes the thing we despise the most is what we turn in to. He has lost trust because of his father's selfish decision and now this distrust has caused him to have a very selfish attitude where he looks out for number one and doesn't consider others feelings. The feelings of those who love him the most. I am trying my hardest to keep them involved in church and youth. My older son sits through church, disengaged and cold, not listening to a word that our preacher is saying. I can see the anger he holds for God. It is somewhat understandable and I think God knows that we have this emotion. Our thinking is "God, how could you have let this happen?" The answer is that God has given us all free will and we do with it what we wish. We all, not just my ex husband, but all of us use our free will to make selfish choices that don't include God's will for our life. That is the answer, short and sweet. Could God had stopped it? Sure, I believe He is all powerful and sovereign. He stopped the sun from setting so that Joshua could have extra time to defeat the Amorites (Joshua 10:12-14). If He could do that then I know He could have thumped my ex over the head and stopped him cold in his tracks and kept him from making this choice that devastated us all. Do I wish He did? In order to keep my children from hurting, yes. But, by not stopping it, I was allowed to leave a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. God can stop such things, but by doing so, He also is not giving us free will. We love our free will when we are able to make our own decisions, whether we consult God or not. But, when something like this happens we shake our fists at God and ask Him where He was when this was happening. My guess, is that when He saw the choice my ex made and knew the hurt that it would cause, He shed a tear for us and drew us closer to Him. Whether or not we allowed Him to hold us tight is once again, in our free will to do so or not. I know He is there though because His word says so. " My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me." Psalm 63:8. His right hand holds me and my children. And even the father of my boys. He holds us all. Thank God He does because going through this without that would be unbearable. I have a feeling my older son has forgotten this and feels alone. He and I fight a lot because I refuse to be treated poorly. When I don't allow this he thinks I am not being there for him. How do I show him that me being there for him and him treating me with love and respect are two different things. I will ALWAYS be there for him I will just not allow myself to be treated like a piece of gum stuck to his shoe. I need him to know that even though I will falter (that is that human quality), I love him and want him to succeed and want to be someone he can trust and come to. It angers me that his father's choice has caused my son not to trust me as well as him. My son has built up a wall around his heart and you better be mighty damn strong and thick skinned to try and penetrate it. Do I penetrate it or crawl over it? How do I get to his heart? I think that no matter what happens, he will always have the figurative brick and mortar handy to rebuild if it does collapse at some point. Always on guard. God, please help me know what to do. Lord, I ask that you reveal what I should do and give me the words to say to my child so that he will know he is loved and doesn't have to live this way. How will this effect his future relationships? What about his future wife? Will he do the same thing to her that is father did to me? Please God, don't let this be so. I pray that if it can't be me, that someone come into his life that will show him and remind him of your love and that he doesn't have to feel this way. Amen.
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