Anger, Disappointment & Shame

Anger- a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

Disappointment- the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.

Ashamed- embarrassed or guilty because of one's actions, characteristics, or associations.

As a parent, you find yourself having many emotions during the rearing of your child.  As they grow, you attempt to teach them right from wrong.  You begin this as early as possible. When your child, 6 months old, picks something up off of the floor, that object automatically heads to their mouth.  You hopefully see this and grab that object before it makes it to their mouths and you have prevented a possible choking incident.  You repeat this for the next 3 years until they have finally learned that whatever they pick up cannot go in their mouths!  That is a long time to have to reinforce preventing this behavior, but if it means that your child won't choke, it is worth it.  When your 4 year old sees you have your back turned and walks quickly and quietly, fork in hand,  to the nearby electrical outlet to see how it will fit, you, once again, hopefully catch it in time and prevent your child from becoming char broiled.  So parenting has a lot to do with teaching and discipline.  Some people discipline by having a time out, some by spanking and some parents don't discipline at all.  Every parent is different.  My point being, you try your hardest to teach your child what is wrong and right and hope they are soaking it all in and learning.  Then as they learn, you pray that they take what they have learned and apply it to their daily lives.  Hopefully by the time they are 15, they are no longer trying to stick a fork into the light socket or stuffing a Lego down their throats.
 You also, if you are wise, have tried to teach your child how to treat other people.  Both of my sons have grown up being taught to treat others kindly and with respect.  You have the normal, gentlemanly things they should do like say please and thank you, yes and no ma'am or sir.  Hold open doors for people and say excuse me.  Those are the basics, right? 
I have also tried my hardest to teach my boys how to treat a woman.  Maybe it has been hard for them to comprehend this since they saw their father do the exact opposite of what I was telling them they should do.  And, I will own my part because for a very long time, I was allowing him to do it to me.  So I am sure they were getting mixed signals.  Do as I say, not as I do.  Some of that had to do with me not realizing until late in life that I had value.  I wish I would have recognized that earlier because maybe my kids would have seen something different. 
Before I tell you what I shared with my sons regarding the treatment of women, let me share with you my beliefs.  Some may agree, some may not and that is ok.  I am a Bible believing Christian.  I believe in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve and the fall of man.  I believe that women are supposed to lift up their spouses and men are supposed to love their wives like Christ loves the church.  I believe Eve being created from the rib of Adam has AT LEAST two meanings to it, and  probably more but I haven't studied that part of the Bible quite as much as other parts. One reason I believe this has meaning is because the rib has a function.  If you are not aware of this, your heart and lungs are within your ribs.  These are two VERY vital organs.  The purpose of the ribs is to protect these vital organs from being damaged from outside sources.  I believe that God created Eve from Adam's rib to protect the heart of Adam.  To take care of his heart.  She, as the love of Adam's life, figurativally,  holds his heart in her hands and because she loves him, she should protect his heart.  I also believe that although the Bible clearly states that the man should be the head of the house hold, the woman is his equal.  The rib is part of what is called the "flank" of your body. This is on the side of the body.  When you are referring to the military definition of the word "flank," it also means the side.  In an attack, the military will have a strategy of an upfront attack meaning that whatever military force it may be, they have someone coming right at the enemy.  BUT, to make them stronger, they have another fleet bringing up the flank.  They are standing on either or maybe even both sides of the enemy, making it harder for the enemy to fight.  It is a defensive stance meant to strengthen the attacking force.  So the word flank, when it comes what Eve was created for, means she is at Adam's side,  capable of being a thinker and helping make hard life decisions and also it means she is able to strengthen their relationship.  There is strength in numbers.  Adam's role was to love her, protect her and treat her with respect as she was made as a gift and helpmeet to him.  He should treat her with the utmost respect as God took the time to create her just for him. If you know anything about this time in the world, you will know that Eve discounted what God had told her and did not include Adam in a very big decision and therefore she made a huge mistake, in which Adam followed her in doing, which resulted in the fall of man.  Sin.  Did that change the function of their roles in each others lives?  I don't believe so.  They were just as human as we are and make mistakes.  We are still meant to fulfill certain roles in the lives of others.  As parents, like I said, we are to teach and protect.  If we fail at some point, does that mean we just all together quit?  No!!  We persevere!
Ok, so you have gotten preached at, now on with post.  Because of the beliefs that were instilled in me, I have tried to teach my children these things, as well.  I want them to respect women, and it has been a big deal to me because I didn't want them to treat women they way I was being treated.  What would have been better is if I would have lived what I believed and not allowed myself to be treated as an object that can be tampered with and treated with little to no value.  But, what I have always told my boys is that you respect women and lift them up because God put them on this planet as a gift, to love and cherish.  And when you really have a true love for something that has been given to you, you don't mistreat it, but you take care of it. 
Are you wondering where I am going with all of this? It is taking me quite some time to get to why I first wrote out the definitions of the title of this post.  Why is this posted titled "Anger, Disappointment & Shame?"  I am getting there! 
I think that feeling anger and disappointment as a parent are normal.  Your kid talks back, you get angry.  Your child breaks a rule and they know better, you feel disappointment.  You have set standards for your children, that any good parents does, which is branch of discipline.  You set these standards that will help them grow into successful adults.  It is normal to get angry and be disappointed in your children and to sometimes even feel those emotions at the same time.  But shame, to me is different.  You shouldn't feel ashamed of your children.  Shame is when your child does something so out of character for them and the way you have raised them that it brings pain to your heart and embarrassment upon you.  It wasn't until recently that I had ever experienced this with one of my sons, my oldest. 
If you will remember from previous posts, my oldest son is the one that seems to be having such a hard time with life.  Self absorbed, cocky, angry, hurt.  Very few times do we experience joy together.  I feel like his joy has been replaced by a self serving attitude.  Which I believe is what has led me to being ashamed of him for the first time in my life. 
When I became pregnant with him, a good friend of mine also found out she was expecting around the same time.  We shared our pregnancy experiences and compared notes.  Before too long she gave birth to a beautiful little girl.  Ten days later, my little boy was brought into this world.  Our children, since then, have grown up together and been great friends.  The "other mom" moved several hours away from us but we continued to keep in touch and visit each other over the years and distance, keeping our children's friendship intact.  After the divorce, my boys and I took a 6 hour road trip to see them.  Things went well! It took a couple of hours for my son and her daughter to find a groove, after all, they were teenagers who, although were friends and had grown up together, they were still insecure teens that didn't get to see each other on a daily basis and had to get into the swing of things again.  When we left a few days later, there were tears and hugs and things seemed great.  Several months later they made the drive down to see us and once again, things went well after a few hours of reacquainting.  My son was already having some signs and symptoms of selfishness, but it was mainly directed at me and his dad and his little brother.  He would have some issues here and there with my parents but it wasn't often.  His friends were in the safe zone.  He treated them like gold.  My mom used to say I did the same exact thing and that if I were to see my friends on the side of the road and her on the side of the road, I would have given them a ride first.  I don't think that is true, but now that I have a child acting the same way I did, I understand why she felt that way (and I am very sorry I ever devalued her like that).  A few weeks ago my friend and her daughter had to make an unexpected trip down due to the death of a loved one.  It was my friends grand father who, although she loved, didn't have a close relationship with, therefore her daughter had almost a none existent one with.  So, the trip meant two different things to the two of them.  It was a time of heart ache, sadness and a time to lean on her friends for support for my friend and a time to see childhood friends for her daughter.  Her daughter was excited to see my son.  She also had another childhood friend that has grown up with her and my son, but she was less excited to see him since he didn't always treat her kindly.  She asked if she could stay with us while she was here and when I said of course she was thrilled!  When they arrived she immediately wanted to see her friend/my son who just happened to be at the other childhood friends house.  That was even better as far as she was concerned.  Her mom and I had some errands we needed to run so we dropped her off with the boys and went and did our thing.  Not more than an hour later did I find that my son had ditched the both of them to see a girl he had recently met.  I called him and told him to get his scrawny ass back to where he was supposed to be and that it wasn't cool to do that to this life long friend who had just had her feelings hurt.  He went back begrudgingly.  The next day we all ran to a nearby town and while there, my son became furious with me (he spent $25 of my money for two pairs of sock without asking first so I made him return them-causing him to go into a shell of anger and hate).  We were there another several hours with my son sulking and pouting and not speaking to anyone.  If he wants to be mad at me, fine.  I can handle it, but being hateful to her or anyone else was ridiculous.  It blew my mind that he was being so immature and so hateful to her.  Like I said, usually his friends were treated like gold so I was shocked at his behavior.   This really upset her.  I am thankful that she realized that she didn't have to put up with this so for the next several days while she was there, they didn't have a lot of communication.  If they were around each other, my son would act like she was some stranger that he was just meeting and didn't know what to say to because of just meeting.  It was like he was looking right through her.  I hated the way he was devaluing her. When I tried to talk to him about it, it was like talking to a wall. He didn't see that his actions were causing a problem.  REALLY!!!!  Is he blind or stupid? Both, maybe?  I was disgusted that his reaction was so cold.   She and I discussed it and she said, "he won't always have me if this continues."  I don't blame her.  What hurts my heart is that in this phase of his life, I am not sure he cares if she is a part of his life or not.  He acts as if he has better things to do than be her friend.  So all of these years of friendship and it seems as if it means nothing to him.  The day she left she gave him a half hearted hug and I walked outside with her and apologized and asked her to just pray for him.  She agreed to but I could see in her eyes that at that point she was too hurt and too mad to do much more than throw darts at him with her eyes.  My younger son told me later that when she left my older son made the comment of  "good, now the stress is gone."  You know what it makes me think of?  The way my ex husband treated me.  All of the love, support and time I gave him and he could always so easily walk away from it.  I hate that my son is doing that to someone.  I hate that her heart is hurting.  I hate that her hurt is caused by someone I love and thought knew better.  I hate that he is about to lose a friend but at the same time, I am glad she realizes that she is worth more than being treated that way.  I hate that I am ashamed of him.  And I am.  I am ashamed at how small he could make someone else feel.  I am angry that everything I taught him about how to treat a woman seems to be lost, and I am mad at myself for not setting a better example.  What he doesn't realize, is karma really is a bitch.  That will come back to haunt him some day.  Someone (maybe even her) will let him know that he is replaceable.  I really would have felt that his father might have made him feel this way when he cheated and left and it would have kept him from doing that to others, but it seems to have had the opposite impact on him.  I can't stand to think of him becoming his father.  I don't want him to use his hate and anger as a reason to hurt others.  His father did that.  Using how he was raised and how he had been hurt and abused by both parents as justification not to trust anyone and hurt them before they could hurt him.  Can my son not see where that landed his dad?  Can he not see that because of his actions, his father no longer has his family?  Has Satan blinded him to this fact?  I can only pray that if this is the case, God removes this blindfold so that he can see and make better decisions.  That God softens his heart and the callousness and bitterness be removed.  As I have said before, I need God to intervene.