Such a short time left

My kids, like all kids, are growing rapidly and aging quickly (funny, I stopped all of this when I hit 29).  I can't help but think about how much time I have left with them.  My oldest is 15.  He is about to get his driver's permit and he will be a sophomore in high school this coming school year.  I have 3 years left with him until he graduates and goes to either college or the military (these are the choices he is juggling right now).  His freshman year was over in the blink of an eye and so I know that these next few years of high school for him will go by just as fast.  I have such a short time left with him. 
It is hard to make him understand this.  For him, the most important thing right now is his friends and social life.  I take a backseat to all of that.  And, as I have said before, I somewhat understand.  I think this is a normal phase for kids to go through.  Not an easy one for parents to go through though.  And, I do remind him all the time that his family will always be here for him while these friendships he has right now will most likely fade after graduation.  I understand the phase, I do not agree with it nor do I endorse it. 
My parents asked us several weeks ago to go on a camping trip with them that we will leave for this next week.  It would be my folks, my kids and myself.  The plan is to go camping in the mountains I grew up camping at that hold such wonderful memories for me.  I want my kids to look back and have those memories, too.  They are an important part of growing up and I have seriously prayed that God will give us this time to connect better.  I have always heard that if there is any opposition in a plan that can have positive results then that means the devil is fully aware of this and is trying his hardest to keep this from happening.  This is what I believe is happening with this camping trip. 
Yesterday, after having a yard sale to make extra money for this trip, my oldest sends me a text stating that he doesn't want to go.  His reason is that he wants a week "to chill" before two a days start the next week for football, but I know the real reason.  He can't stand to be away from his friends and the socialization he loves so much.  Oh, and no cell phone service either.  EEEKKK!  LOL!  I am torn about that, too.  I won't lie.  I love my cell.  I love that I can text, check email and FB and Google something at a whim.  But, as much as I love it, I need for my family to have this time together with no distractions.  I understand that my son thinks he is going to die and he has already told/threatened me by saying "I won't have any fun," which really means he is going to pout the entire time and try and make everyone else miserable.  He is with this dad for the weekend so we haven't had the chance to sit down and discuss this (fight about it), but I am sure we will this evening.  What I need him to understand is we do have such a short time left.  I can't squander this time a way.  I need to grab a hold of this chance to bond with my child and pray that the devil stay away.  I hope and pray that we don't get up there and he pouts like a baby all week, because he can probably do it.  I don't want this entire trip to be a bust due to his selfish behavior.  I may just lose it if that happens and get mid evil on his ass (love Pulp Fiction).  I will show him that the saying "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," definitely has truth in it. 
So, be praying about this situation.  Pray that he will understand and that this time can be used for us to bond and it will not be a time of misery and woe.  Pray that the devil stays at bay and only positive things come from this. I will let you know what happens!!!
 

Anger, Disappointment & Shame

Anger- a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

Disappointment- the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.

Ashamed- embarrassed or guilty because of one's actions, characteristics, or associations.

As a parent, you find yourself having many emotions during the rearing of your child.  As they grow, you attempt to teach them right from wrong.  You begin this as early as possible. When your child, 6 months old, picks something up off of the floor, that object automatically heads to their mouth.  You hopefully see this and grab that object before it makes it to their mouths and you have prevented a possible choking incident.  You repeat this for the next 3 years until they have finally learned that whatever they pick up cannot go in their mouths!  That is a long time to have to reinforce preventing this behavior, but if it means that your child won't choke, it is worth it.  When your 4 year old sees you have your back turned and walks quickly and quietly, fork in hand,  to the nearby electrical outlet to see how it will fit, you, once again, hopefully catch it in time and prevent your child from becoming char broiled.  So parenting has a lot to do with teaching and discipline.  Some people discipline by having a time out, some by spanking and some parents don't discipline at all.  Every parent is different.  My point being, you try your hardest to teach your child what is wrong and right and hope they are soaking it all in and learning.  Then as they learn, you pray that they take what they have learned and apply it to their daily lives.  Hopefully by the time they are 15, they are no longer trying to stick a fork into the light socket or stuffing a Lego down their throats.
 You also, if you are wise, have tried to teach your child how to treat other people.  Both of my sons have grown up being taught to treat others kindly and with respect.  You have the normal, gentlemanly things they should do like say please and thank you, yes and no ma'am or sir.  Hold open doors for people and say excuse me.  Those are the basics, right? 
I have also tried my hardest to teach my boys how to treat a woman.  Maybe it has been hard for them to comprehend this since they saw their father do the exact opposite of what I was telling them they should do.  And, I will own my part because for a very long time, I was allowing him to do it to me.  So I am sure they were getting mixed signals.  Do as I say, not as I do.  Some of that had to do with me not realizing until late in life that I had value.  I wish I would have recognized that earlier because maybe my kids would have seen something different. 
Before I tell you what I shared with my sons regarding the treatment of women, let me share with you my beliefs.  Some may agree, some may not and that is ok.  I am a Bible believing Christian.  I believe in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve and the fall of man.  I believe that women are supposed to lift up their spouses and men are supposed to love their wives like Christ loves the church.  I believe Eve being created from the rib of Adam has AT LEAST two meanings to it, and  probably more but I haven't studied that part of the Bible quite as much as other parts. One reason I believe this has meaning is because the rib has a function.  If you are not aware of this, your heart and lungs are within your ribs.  These are two VERY vital organs.  The purpose of the ribs is to protect these vital organs from being damaged from outside sources.  I believe that God created Eve from Adam's rib to protect the heart of Adam.  To take care of his heart.  She, as the love of Adam's life, figurativally,  holds his heart in her hands and because she loves him, she should protect his heart.  I also believe that although the Bible clearly states that the man should be the head of the house hold, the woman is his equal.  The rib is part of what is called the "flank" of your body. This is on the side of the body.  When you are referring to the military definition of the word "flank," it also means the side.  In an attack, the military will have a strategy of an upfront attack meaning that whatever military force it may be, they have someone coming right at the enemy.  BUT, to make them stronger, they have another fleet bringing up the flank.  They are standing on either or maybe even both sides of the enemy, making it harder for the enemy to fight.  It is a defensive stance meant to strengthen the attacking force.  So the word flank, when it comes what Eve was created for, means she is at Adam's side,  capable of being a thinker and helping make hard life decisions and also it means she is able to strengthen their relationship.  There is strength in numbers.  Adam's role was to love her, protect her and treat her with respect as she was made as a gift and helpmeet to him.  He should treat her with the utmost respect as God took the time to create her just for him. If you know anything about this time in the world, you will know that Eve discounted what God had told her and did not include Adam in a very big decision and therefore she made a huge mistake, in which Adam followed her in doing, which resulted in the fall of man.  Sin.  Did that change the function of their roles in each others lives?  I don't believe so.  They were just as human as we are and make mistakes.  We are still meant to fulfill certain roles in the lives of others.  As parents, like I said, we are to teach and protect.  If we fail at some point, does that mean we just all together quit?  No!!  We persevere!
Ok, so you have gotten preached at, now on with post.  Because of the beliefs that were instilled in me, I have tried to teach my children these things, as well.  I want them to respect women, and it has been a big deal to me because I didn't want them to treat women they way I was being treated.  What would have been better is if I would have lived what I believed and not allowed myself to be treated as an object that can be tampered with and treated with little to no value.  But, what I have always told my boys is that you respect women and lift them up because God put them on this planet as a gift, to love and cherish.  And when you really have a true love for something that has been given to you, you don't mistreat it, but you take care of it. 
Are you wondering where I am going with all of this? It is taking me quite some time to get to why I first wrote out the definitions of the title of this post.  Why is this posted titled "Anger, Disappointment & Shame?"  I am getting there! 
I think that feeling anger and disappointment as a parent are normal.  Your kid talks back, you get angry.  Your child breaks a rule and they know better, you feel disappointment.  You have set standards for your children, that any good parents does, which is branch of discipline.  You set these standards that will help them grow into successful adults.  It is normal to get angry and be disappointed in your children and to sometimes even feel those emotions at the same time.  But shame, to me is different.  You shouldn't feel ashamed of your children.  Shame is when your child does something so out of character for them and the way you have raised them that it brings pain to your heart and embarrassment upon you.  It wasn't until recently that I had ever experienced this with one of my sons, my oldest. 
If you will remember from previous posts, my oldest son is the one that seems to be having such a hard time with life.  Self absorbed, cocky, angry, hurt.  Very few times do we experience joy together.  I feel like his joy has been replaced by a self serving attitude.  Which I believe is what has led me to being ashamed of him for the first time in my life. 
When I became pregnant with him, a good friend of mine also found out she was expecting around the same time.  We shared our pregnancy experiences and compared notes.  Before too long she gave birth to a beautiful little girl.  Ten days later, my little boy was brought into this world.  Our children, since then, have grown up together and been great friends.  The "other mom" moved several hours away from us but we continued to keep in touch and visit each other over the years and distance, keeping our children's friendship intact.  After the divorce, my boys and I took a 6 hour road trip to see them.  Things went well! It took a couple of hours for my son and her daughter to find a groove, after all, they were teenagers who, although were friends and had grown up together, they were still insecure teens that didn't get to see each other on a daily basis and had to get into the swing of things again.  When we left a few days later, there were tears and hugs and things seemed great.  Several months later they made the drive down to see us and once again, things went well after a few hours of reacquainting.  My son was already having some signs and symptoms of selfishness, but it was mainly directed at me and his dad and his little brother.  He would have some issues here and there with my parents but it wasn't often.  His friends were in the safe zone.  He treated them like gold.  My mom used to say I did the same exact thing and that if I were to see my friends on the side of the road and her on the side of the road, I would have given them a ride first.  I don't think that is true, but now that I have a child acting the same way I did, I understand why she felt that way (and I am very sorry I ever devalued her like that).  A few weeks ago my friend and her daughter had to make an unexpected trip down due to the death of a loved one.  It was my friends grand father who, although she loved, didn't have a close relationship with, therefore her daughter had almost a none existent one with.  So, the trip meant two different things to the two of them.  It was a time of heart ache, sadness and a time to lean on her friends for support for my friend and a time to see childhood friends for her daughter.  Her daughter was excited to see my son.  She also had another childhood friend that has grown up with her and my son, but she was less excited to see him since he didn't always treat her kindly.  She asked if she could stay with us while she was here and when I said of course she was thrilled!  When they arrived she immediately wanted to see her friend/my son who just happened to be at the other childhood friends house.  That was even better as far as she was concerned.  Her mom and I had some errands we needed to run so we dropped her off with the boys and went and did our thing.  Not more than an hour later did I find that my son had ditched the both of them to see a girl he had recently met.  I called him and told him to get his scrawny ass back to where he was supposed to be and that it wasn't cool to do that to this life long friend who had just had her feelings hurt.  He went back begrudgingly.  The next day we all ran to a nearby town and while there, my son became furious with me (he spent $25 of my money for two pairs of sock without asking first so I made him return them-causing him to go into a shell of anger and hate).  We were there another several hours with my son sulking and pouting and not speaking to anyone.  If he wants to be mad at me, fine.  I can handle it, but being hateful to her or anyone else was ridiculous.  It blew my mind that he was being so immature and so hateful to her.  Like I said, usually his friends were treated like gold so I was shocked at his behavior.   This really upset her.  I am thankful that she realized that she didn't have to put up with this so for the next several days while she was there, they didn't have a lot of communication.  If they were around each other, my son would act like she was some stranger that he was just meeting and didn't know what to say to because of just meeting.  It was like he was looking right through her.  I hated the way he was devaluing her. When I tried to talk to him about it, it was like talking to a wall. He didn't see that his actions were causing a problem.  REALLY!!!!  Is he blind or stupid? Both, maybe?  I was disgusted that his reaction was so cold.   She and I discussed it and she said, "he won't always have me if this continues."  I don't blame her.  What hurts my heart is that in this phase of his life, I am not sure he cares if she is a part of his life or not.  He acts as if he has better things to do than be her friend.  So all of these years of friendship and it seems as if it means nothing to him.  The day she left she gave him a half hearted hug and I walked outside with her and apologized and asked her to just pray for him.  She agreed to but I could see in her eyes that at that point she was too hurt and too mad to do much more than throw darts at him with her eyes.  My younger son told me later that when she left my older son made the comment of  "good, now the stress is gone."  You know what it makes me think of?  The way my ex husband treated me.  All of the love, support and time I gave him and he could always so easily walk away from it.  I hate that my son is doing that to someone.  I hate that her heart is hurting.  I hate that her hurt is caused by someone I love and thought knew better.  I hate that he is about to lose a friend but at the same time, I am glad she realizes that she is worth more than being treated that way.  I hate that I am ashamed of him.  And I am.  I am ashamed at how small he could make someone else feel.  I am angry that everything I taught him about how to treat a woman seems to be lost, and I am mad at myself for not setting a better example.  What he doesn't realize, is karma really is a bitch.  That will come back to haunt him some day.  Someone (maybe even her) will let him know that he is replaceable.  I really would have felt that his father might have made him feel this way when he cheated and left and it would have kept him from doing that to others, but it seems to have had the opposite impact on him.  I can't stand to think of him becoming his father.  I don't want him to use his hate and anger as a reason to hurt others.  His father did that.  Using how he was raised and how he had been hurt and abused by both parents as justification not to trust anyone and hurt them before they could hurt him.  Can my son not see where that landed his dad?  Can he not see that because of his actions, his father no longer has his family?  Has Satan blinded him to this fact?  I can only pray that if this is the case, God removes this blindfold so that he can see and make better decisions.  That God softens his heart and the callousness and bitterness be removed.  As I have said before, I need God to intervene. 

What's this? A good day? Wha?????

When you have an angry 15 year old son, most days tend to be filled with tension and stress.  I would say that 5 days out of my 7 day week are tension filled.  Everything is a fight.
 He asks, "Can I go _________ (enter there where he wants to go at that time)?"
 I say, "no."
"Why not?" he asks, with a slight whisper of irritation in his voice.
"Because I don't know the people you are wanting to go with and I am not comfortable because I have not heard great things about that kid." This is one of my many responses.  I could have also said, "well, because it is my birthday and we are having a meal and I would like you to spend time with me."  And that actually was my response a few weeks ago when we had a family get together for my birthday.  My point being, his response still would have been this:  "YOU DON'T LET ME DO ANYTHING!"
Sigh...
And that seems to usually be our conversations.  If I do let him go with someone I do know then his response is "thank you mommy!  I love you."  Which actually irritates me more than the attitude because I know he is saying it just because he is getting what he wants which makes me question if he really even loves me (I do actually know he loves me, just doesn't always feel that way). 
Five days out of seven of this gets very old.  I am not sure how much of this is going on because of his age or because of what he has been through in the last year.  I would guess to say a mixture of both. 
But, when I get a good day out of him, it is so refreshing.  Today, for instance, I got him up for work, no problem!  Picked him up mid-morning from work-no problem!  He took a nap and when he woke up, he was happy.  Hungry, but happy!  He started asking me if I had heard this new song by One Direction (which I hadn't because I don't listen to most current artists) and then he played it for me.  Then he asked me other questions.  HE SPEAKS!!!!  After all of that, my best friends little 5 year old girl that is staying with us begged to go to the pool.  I had no interest in going to the pool and my son said, " It's cool!  I will take her and watch her!"  Someone has abducted my child and sent a happy clone in his place.  I am down with it. :D
It is so sad that days like these are so few and far between that I don't even know how to respond to them when they do come along.  Just soak it in I guess, until the flip is switched and the tension and stress are back.  When we have these days, I think, "oh good.  Progress."  Then the next 5 days in a row will be heinous and I feel like we have taken 3 steps forward and 15 back. It is draining.  I feel tired all the time, physically and emotionally.  Even today, on the good day, I feel like I could drop and sleep for the entire day.  I think some depression may have to do with that.  I think we both may be struggling with a bit of this.  Mine manifests itself in being exhausted all the time and his in being irritable all of the time.  If I thought it was a chemical imbalance I would get him to the doctor but I feel like it's more of a heart issue.  I guess maybe a doctors visit would not hurt anything.  If his age is playing a factor then because of puberty his hormones would be all over the place and some of them causing issues.  I don't know. 
What I do know is that I am going to enjoy this day and pray that they become more frequent and the tension filled ones become the days that are fewer and far between. 

Paying for my Raising?

If you have read my first post then you may know that I wasn't the model teenager.  I made a lot of really bad choices.  I was rebellious, stubborn and sexually active at an early age.  My poor parents were at their wits ends with me and mom has told me before that as much as she prayed she usually felt like her prayers didn't get passed the ceiling.  Even now when she brings it up I cringe.  I don't want to think about that time in my life.  I am very remorseful and embarrassed and I almost feel like she enjoys bringing it up.  I guess I deserve it.  I did put her and my father through a lot of unnecessary grief and pain.  But, that was twenty years ago and I would like to move on.
Moving on though, man that is difficult when your child is hammering down on you with the same attitude that you once gave your parents.  My oldest son, the one that was probably more affected by his father's actions than the rest of us, is making me pay for my raising.  If karma is real then I am feeling it.  Here is the problem with this though; as much as I deserve it, I do not want my child going through what I went though.  I understand that what I went through at that age and what he is going through now are totally different, but hurt is hurt.  Anger is anger.  The common denominator for us both is that this hurt and anger have been handed down to us by the same man.  My fault though, for choosing him to be the father of my children.
When everything first went down, I had to tell my son what his dad had done with his best friend's mother.  If I could have gotten away with him not knowing, then I would have kept it under wraps.  Not to help my ex-husband out but to protect my child's heart.  The problem was that his best friend watched my ex go pick her mom up (and take her little sister with them).  He picked her up from her house, with her husband and her kids there to witness.  How sad for that family.  I am at least thankful that my kids weren't witness to that.  I can't imagine seeing your mom jump into a vehicle with another man and leave your family behind for him, someone who is willing to do the same thing to his family.  Truth be told, both of them had been caught having numerous affairs so they deserved each other.  Misery loves company.  But our families deserved love and affection.  They deserved integrity and trust.  Having to deliver this news to my child before his friend would tell him was hard.  I sat him on the bed and let him know what was going on.  His dad had been very distant in the past couple of months and I think all of us knew something was going on, we just didn't know what, so a revelation wasn't a shock.  But a revelation like this, especially for a child who looked up to and trusted their dad, who knew nothing of his father's passed indiscretions was like watching water turn from a flowing liquid to ice, hard and cold.  I wish now that I could go back and figure out some way not to have to share this information with him.  Seeing him turn from a confused but loving child to a hard and angry young man in the matter of seconds was.... I can't even think of a word.  Difficult is not enough to describe what it was.  If you could take every negative emotion and cram it into one word, then that's what it was.  I saw an innocent young boy, full of joy and trust and a love for Christ all of the sudden lose his innocence, lose his joy, become distrustful of everyone and get mad at God in a heartbeat.  And doing this while also becoming a teenager and having to deal with normal teenage things.  This battle still rages within him.  Being full of anger, hate and distrust.  For a long time he wouldn't speak to his dad and so guess who all of this emotion was directed to?  Yep, it was directed to me.  And at first I let it go in understanding.  I felt sorry for him so I would allow his outbursts, but eventually, when it started feeling like I was taking an emotional beating from his dad again, I had to try and stop it.  Letting him act like his father is not an option for me.  Oddly enough, as angry as he is with his father, he is a lot like him, which makes being his mother very difficult.  I was able to severe the relationship with my ex except for the tie that binds us (our children).  I can't do that with my oldest child.  I am his mom.  So figuring out how to try and keep him from becoming his father is really my mission.  My ex husband always hated his dad for what he was put through growing up.  Ironically the same thing he hated his father for is what my son now hates him for.  So my ex became his father.  A chip off the old block.  Stopping the cycle is what I must figure out how to do for my child.  I don't want him becoming that same man.  I need God to intervene and keep this from happening. 
On another note, I don't want to discount my younger son.  He obviously was hurt, too.  He has never had the same relationship with his father that my oldest had though.  My younger son had always been closer to me and that started from birth.  He has also had a more care-free spirit and been able to forgive easier.  Not that he doesn't have some issues trusting, but not anything like his brother.  He doesn't trust his dad but he was able to forgive him sooner and because of that, he hasn't grown a bitter heart.  I love both of my boys.  I don't know what I would do without them in my life, but my life has been made a bit easier because of my younger sons love and forgiveness of his father.  At first, I felt betrayed by this.  I wanted them to be just as angry at him as I was.  That is a selfish wish, and I knew it then just as much as I know it now.  It was a knee jerk reaction though and I knew I wanted them to forgive.  I wanted to forgive.  I didn't want to carry around that anger and hatred anymore than I wanted them to.  So I have two teenage boys that are like day and night, at complete opposite ends of the spectrum.  One that has decided that he can hold his dad accountable but still forgive him and love him yet move one and be happy, and the other who carries around bitterness and anger yet won't confront his dad and hold him accountable for feeling this way.  Instead I get to see the angry outbursts, the temper tantrums and I get to be treated like the one that did the wrong.  It really is like being with his father all over except obviously the relationship is different since he is my child.  Funny how sometimes the thing we despise the most is what we turn in to.  He has lost trust because of his father's selfish decision and now this distrust has caused him to have a very selfish attitude where he looks out for number one and doesn't consider others feelings.  The feelings of those who love him the most.  I am trying my hardest to keep them involved in church and youth.  My older son sits through church, disengaged and cold, not listening to a word that our preacher is saying.  I can see the anger he holds for God.  It is somewhat understandable and I think God knows that we have this emotion.  Our thinking is "God, how could you have let this happen?"  The answer is that God has given us all free will and we do with it what we wish.  We all, not just my ex husband, but all of us use our free will to make selfish choices that don't include God's will for our life.  That is the answer, short and sweet.  Could God had stopped it?  Sure, I believe He is all powerful and sovereign.  He stopped the sun from setting so that Joshua could have extra time to defeat the Amorites (Joshua 10:12-14).  If He could do that then I know He could have thumped my ex over the head and stopped him cold in his tracks and kept him from making this choice that devastated us all.  Do I wish He did?  In order to keep my children from hurting, yes.  But, by not stopping it, I was allowed to leave a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. God can stop such things, but by doing so, He also is not giving us free will.  We love our free will when we are able to make our own decisions, whether we consult God or not.  But, when something like this happens we shake our fists at God and ask Him where He was when this was happening.  My guess, is that when He saw the choice my ex made and knew the hurt that it would cause, He shed a tear for us and drew us closer to Him.  Whether or not we allowed Him to hold us tight is once again, in our free will to do so or not.  I know He is there though because His word says so. " My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me." Psalm 63:8.  His right hand holds me and my children.  And even the father of my boys.  He holds us all.  Thank God He does because going through this without that would be unbearable.  I have a feeling my older son has forgotten this and feels alone.  He and I fight a lot because I refuse to be treated poorly.  When I don't allow this he thinks I am not being there for him.  How do I show him that me being there for him and him treating me with love and respect are two different things.  I will ALWAYS be there for him I will just not allow myself to be treated like a piece of gum stuck to his shoe.  I need him to know that even though I will falter (that is that human quality), I love him and want him to succeed and want to be someone he can trust and come to.  It angers me that his father's choice has caused my son not to trust me as well as him.  My son has built up a wall around his heart and you better be mighty damn strong and thick skinned to try and penetrate it.  Do I penetrate it or crawl over it?  How do I get to his heart?  I think that no matter what happens, he will always have the figurative brick and mortar handy to rebuild if it does collapse at some point.  Always on guard.  God, please help me know what to do.  Lord, I ask that you reveal what I should do and give me the words to say to my child so that he will know he is loved and doesn't have to live this way.  How will this effect his future relationships?  What about his future wife?  Will he do the same thing to her that is father did to me?  Please God, don't let this be so.  I pray that if it can't be me, that someone come into his life that will show him and remind him of your love and that he doesn't have to feel this way.  Amen.

Why the Pity Party? You May be Asking.

Woe is me.  Each one of us could look on our lives and make this statement.  So, why then, am I making this statement?  I really don't have a "woe is me" outlook on life most of the time.  But when I think about being a divorced mom of two teenage boys, I can't help but have a little pity on myself.  Let me give you the background and you can decide if I am being overly dramatic or right on the money by having my "woe is me" attitude from time to time. 
When I was 14, I met a guy that was three years my elder and after a few months of dating, I fell in love with him.  Before I met him, I noted that all of my friends were experiencing their first boyfriends and first kisses and I was way behind on all of this.  I prayed and wished for a boyfriend.  Sometimes you have to be careful for what you wish for.  This was not the guy I should have given my heart or my virginity to.  My relationship with this guy was strained almost immediately after we became sexually active, like most relationships are when both parties are young and immature.  When you have sex, your body releases a hormone called oxytocin, AKA "the cuddle hormone." Its purpose is to create a bond between the person you just gave yourself to.   I had no idea this hormone even existed until later in life, when I became an adult, parent and nurse.  But looking back, I can see the effect of this hormone on my relationship with this guy.  You see, as a Christian, I believe that God created everything for a reason.  I believe the reason He created this hormone was so that on your wedding night, when you gave yourself to your husband for the first time, you would create an everlasting bond with him that would last a life time. When I gave my V-card up to this particular guy, oxytocin was released and my heart was directly bound to him, and it was intertwined in a way that would take a very long time to untangle.  We went through years and years of breaking up and me being hurt.  He would tell me he loved me, which is exactly what I needed to hear, get what he wanted and then move on.  My self-esteem was based solely on how he felt about me and how he treated me.  If he was kind and nice and acted "lovingly" to me, I was on cloud nine.  When he was done with me and left me for another, I was in a dank, dark place that eventually left me feeling sad, angry and at times, suicidal.  I know as you read this, you wonder why the hell my parents didn't step in and try and break us up.  They did.  Over and over and over again.  My relationship with this man-child took its toll on my relationship with my parents, which, in my honest opinion, has effected my relationship with my mother to this day (but that is a whole other blog-don't get me wrong, she is a wonderful and loving mom, but my horrible choices led her to do some pretty crazy things).  But that old saying "the heart wants what the heart wants," has some truth in it.  Too bad my decision making was horrible and I didn't understand that what I wanted and what I needed were two very different things.  This back and forth emotional ride with this man went on for years.  We eventually broke up for a long period of time and I was able to experience other relationships, but was very guarded in those relationships and would eventually sabotage them. 
After a very full and amazing year of college I came home for the summer and ended up at the same parties as "prince charming."  We would hook up, but I think I did it more in rebellion than in thinking I still loved him.  I wanted to use and abuse him.  I wanted to let him still have feelings for me while I would just walk away when it was time to go back for fall semester.  I wanted him to feel the hurt he had put on me once upon a time.  The thing with doing things out of revenge is that it tends to bite you in the butt.  You see, after he and I had hooked up all summer long and I went back to college I found out I was pregnant.  I was devastated.  I didn't want to end my college career, especially due to pregnancy and I didn't want to be an unwed mother.  Another statistic.  But that is what I was, whether I wanted it, or not. .  When I found out I was prego, I called him to notify him.  He was shocked but our decision was made to try and work things out for the baby.  Just a few days later, I miscarried.  Now, this next part people may totally disagree with.  I really don't know if I agree with it or not but looking back, I wonder if God was giving me a hint that I had no business having any type of relationship with this guy.  We were only coming together for the sake of the baby and the baby no longer existed inside of me so I could leave.  By that time, that tumor that had developed so many years before, that had entangled itself around my heart, the tumor that I thought was dead, flared up and came back to life.  I had developed feelings once again for this guy, which I could have gotten over but I felt like, through a sense of the values I had grown up with (which is funny because at this time in my life I had long left those values behind and so it's ironic that at this point I decided to pick them back up), I didn't want to be pregnant by a man and walk away like some slut, even though that is exactly what I was being in my eyes.  A vengeful tramp.  Someone trying to hurt someone else and using sex and emotion to get the job done. So instead of seeking counsel and getting any type of help, I made yet another bad choice; I would stick it out in hopes of avenging my stupidity.
Telling my parents was hard.   I went to my dad first because I have always been closer to him and found it easier to talk to him.  He was disappointed, and, if I had to guess, mad.  He was going to be supportive though.  My line, that I regret delivering to him was this, "you can either have a life that includes he and I, or one that includes neither."  What a shit I was.  Selfish.  I put him in a horrible place and since I was an "adult," he couldn't really tell me that wasn't allowable.  They put on a stiff upper lip and accepted him since I left them no alternative.  They should have told me to kiss their asses after all the crap we had put them through previously.  I would have deserved it and it probably would have caused me to rethink my decision.  But, parents don't know what to do in that situation and they did what they thought was right. 
I eventually moved in with him, which went against my parents Christian values (as did the sex I had with him as an early teenager).  Another struggle between my parents and I.  Within a few months I was pregnant again.  No big shock there.  During my entire pregnancy our relationship was turbulent.  He would go out with his friends and come in at all hours drunk.  He would accuse me of cheating on him or he would assume I had done things with other guys that I hadn't, whether said guy and I had dated or not.  If a man even looked my way he would throw a fit.  It really was hard and a horrible time.  My next bad choice was to go ahead and marry him, even though all of the red flags were there warning me not to.  I was 8 months pregnant when we wed.  Not exactly the wedding I had dreamt of growing up.  When it came time to have our first baby, I had to have an emergency C-Section due to elevated blood pressure, which I feel may have had something to do with the stress I was under. For the next couple years, we still had some turbulence, but it had gotten a tad bit better.  We decided to have another baby and I immediately became pregnant.  We were somewhat happy in our relationship, although at times he would still have the same accusatory remark which I had learned to ignore.  During my pregnancy I began to feel God strongly telling me to serve Him.  I wasn't saved at the time but God was knocking on the door to my heart and I wanted to respond.  The groom felt it, too, but he was also being pulled in  different direction by not only his party hard friends, but his party hard family, including his dad who was known to leave his wife for nights on end to drink and cheat with other women.  He would occasionally attend church with me, and I knew God was calling him because he had a lot of questions.  But his need to get approval from him family was easier to turn to and near the end of my pregnancy he started staying out late again and coming home drunk.  If I confronted him he would some how turn the tides and say he knew that I had let a man come to the house while he was gone.  How stupid, but he truly thought it was true.  That is the thought of a man with a guilty heart.  Two days before I went in to have my scheduled C-Section with baby number 2, my mom had come to stay with the intentions on helping me recover and helping me with baby #1, who was two years old at this time.  On this particular night, my gem of a husband went out and got so drunk he wrecked my car in to a stop sign.  Luckily for him, that is all he hit and he wasn't caught.  He made it home and spent the night on the bathroom floor, with me laying in bed crying and trying to figure out what to say to my mom.  I sure as hell didn't want her to think there was trouble in paradise.  After all, I had threatened them with severing our relationship if they didn't support it.  I had baby number two.  I was now the proud mom of two boys.  During my stay in the hospital I remember being in my bed the day after and due to being split wide open I could hardly sit up.  Both side rails were up, which meant that even if I could sit up, I couldn't get out of bed.  At 11a.m., the baby daddy was laying in a cot, fast asleep and my newborn was across the room in his bassinet.  My newborn began screaming from across the room and I tried everything I could to get out of the bed without hurting myself.  What was the dad doing?  Sleeping like a dead man.  For minutes (which felt like hours) our baby cried loudly with me yelling at my then husband to get up and help me and me also trying to get myself up.   He slept through the whole damn thing.  Eventually I had to hit the call light and get a nurse to come to the room for help.  How embarrassing.  When he finally woke up and yawned and looked at me with his shit eating grin on his face, like he was a proud new poppa and all the world was right, I opened my mouth and a barrage of cuss words came out.  I called him every name in the book and may have even made a few up.  What did he do?  Left.  He left.  What an asshole. 
Fast forward a few years and the boys are now 6 and 4.  We had started becoming a part of youth football, youth baseball and anything else my two babies could be a part of.  We had also started going to church and developed a relationship with Christ.  This made things better for awhile.  But, here is what I have found, when you haven't grown up in a Christian home (and maybe even sometimes when you have been), it is easy to turn back to what you know.  This man was definitely not raised in a Christian home.  The only times he ever heard about God or Jesus was when his parents were using those names as cuss words.  So, when the wife of another couple who had kids our boys ages gave him a little attention, he was ready to jump ship and yell mutiny!  All she had to do was bat her eyelashes and wag her ass in front of him and he was ready to leave his family.  I wish I could tell you that I gave him the boot but I didn't.  Forgiveness was on my heart and I couldn't stand to think of my kids not having a family.  I had to make it work.  Plus, once again, my self esteem was totally connected to how he felt about me.  When he betrayed me like this I just felt horrible about myself.  What was so wrong with me that he had to go elsewhere?  Was I too fat?  Was I not fun enough for him?  What did I need to do?  I had forgiven him so much, how could he do this to me?  When he apologized and said he would do anything to make it work, I believed him and immediately felt better and empowered because he was so remorseful.  He wanted me again so I felt needed again.  Wouldn't it be lovely to end here saying he and I both learned a valuable lesson and our relationship grew from it all?  It would be, but I said at the beginning I was a divorced parent.  I allowed him to do this to me two more times before I realized I deserved better.  The last time he cheated was when it really hit home.  My oldest son was 14 and had been best friends with a female classmate since kindergarten.  If they weren't best friends, they were "going out."  They really had an affection for one another.  Sadly, it was the father of my child and the mother of this sweet, young girl that decided to run off into the sunset with each other.  The other two affairs hurt me but I never let the kids know that these happened.  I couldn't hide this one though because the "riding off into the sunset" part had occurred in front of the beautiful child that my son had such high esteem for.  I had to tell my boys what was going on.  It was heartbreaking and angering.  I had never felt such hatred for someone in my life then I felt that day for both him and that other sub human. I truly believe it is wrong to hate.  God doesn't want us to do that because it causes bitterness to grow in our hearts and puts a divide into our relationship with Him.  The Bible says that hatred is equal to murder.  That is because you are allowing hatred to take over your heart and it murders who you were before that point.  But, being human, I absolutely hated these two.  I hated them for having so little respect for me and her husband that they would do this to us, but moreover, I hated them for taking our children's trust and crumbling it up, throwing it on the floor, stomping it all over and then setting it on fire.  I hated them for the look on my sons faces when they realized what had happened.  I hated them for the look on my oldest sons face when he realized what this would do to his relationship with the harlot's daughter.  Ironically, at the same time, I was thankful.  Thankful for what I thought would justify my way out.  I thought unfaithfulness through an affair was what would free me.  I actually didn't realize until not too long ago that he had been unfaithful in other ways.  By lying, by not honoring me and loving me as Christ loved the church.  Just another lack of understanding on my part.  What brought me freedom though, has enslaved my children to being angry, distrustful and sad. That is not what I want for my babies. 
So that is the background of my foreground.  It is how I got to this point in my life.   I could have given you a thousand more stories that let you know what a cold hearted, selfish son of a bitch he was or what an idiot with low self esteem and no self value I was,  but it wasn't necessary for you.  It might have been therapeutic for me, but it wasn't necessary.  Other things have occurred since our divorce was final, over a year ago now, but I will get to those eventually.  What I really want to happen here is to help or relate to any other parent (whether you be the mother or father) that is a divorced parent of teenagers.  Being a teenager is tough enough without having to have gone through what mine have gone through.  I need to know I am not alone in my struggle and I want others to know they aren't alone.  That's what this blog will be.  The good, the bad and the ugly.
 With that said, I want to end on this regarding why my marriage didn't work. It wasn't designed to and I have three statements in which I believe make that true.

1.) We were raised very different, like I said earlier.  I was raised in a Bible believing, Christian home where both of my parents were Sunday School teachers and my dad had even wrestled with becoming a minister.  We didn't have alcohol in the house and I never heard a cuss word growing up.  We lived a very stable life where I didn't want for anything.  I was loved and provided for.   My ex on the other hand, grew up in a house where his father was getting him drunk as a 12 year old boy.  Both of his parents had been unfaithful to the other and the "F bomb" was a normal part of their vocabulary.  They stated they were Catholic, but that was in name only.  My ex had lived in the street before and had his dad hit him so hard he passed out and been choked by this same "father figure." 
2.  We were unsaved.  Neither one of us had a relationship with Christ when we decided to get married.  To be fair, I was the one that had really been exposed to the Word of God.  I just hadn't made that decision yet and he really didn't know to.  2 Corinthians 6:14 says "Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?"   This verse is referring to people who believe in Christ not being in a relationship with people who don't know Christ.  Now, like I said, neither of us at this point had a relationship with Christ, but I did have the knowledge of who He was where as my ex husband did not, which was enough to me to say we shouldn't have been bound together. 
3.  Lastly, because we were not saved, we did not know that that we should have prayed and consulted God regarding our marriage.  If we would have, I doubt we would have received His almighty blessing.  I saw a video talking about this.  How can you pray to God about whether your divorce is right or wrong when you didn't consult Him about whether or not you should be married in the first place?  If He had no intentions for me to be married to this man, of course it wouldn't work! Why should I have been shocked at his actions when we weren't meant to be together?

I don't regret my marriage.  My babies came out of this unblessed union.  Maybe that is why they are struggling; because they are the result of marriage that should have never been.  But, they are here and I believe that God has a plan for them.  I believe God has a plan for me as well.  As my story unfolds for the rest of you, maybe the plan God has for my children, me and maybe even you will be revealed.  I do know that it cannot come only by this.  I am a prayer closer today than I was yesterday to Him revealing His plan.